I’m just being honest here, I had no intention of watching a hockey game last night. I was firmly entrenched in the well-worn seat cushions of my couch and ready to watch some baseball. When Clayton Kershaw started walking everyone and chucking nothing but cheese, I took the opportunity to check in on a real-life head-to-head battle between my fantasy hockey goaltenders from the Faceoff Hockey Show Hockey League.

Pretty pathetic duo on my part.  I managed to snare Rick Nash, Joe Thornton, Anze Kopitar,  and Nicklas Lidstrom while others were on a goalie run.  I just hope it doesn’t kill me in the end.

A regular season match-up between Tampa Bay and Ottawa would normally intrigue me about as much as having my own scrotum kicked from behind.  Give me a little fantasy incentive (and a TBS baseball broadcast heavy on commercial breaks) and I’m all over the NHLPA Hockey ’93 expansion battle.  Sidorkiewicz!

I’ve liked what I’ve seen from Pascal Leclaire this season, he might work out for my team.  Especially when you consider that this Ottawa team isn’t as bad as Leafs’ fans wish they were.  Mike Smith, though…  Mike Smith is a bag ‘o holes.

I liked Mike Smith.  Maybe it had nothing to do with his abilities in net but more to do with how he looks like he’d be a cool guy to play road hockey with, if you could get him out of bed early enough.  He’s not solely to blame for the Lightning’s 7-1 loss last night, but he didn’t exactly help their cause, either.

Well, whatever.  It turned out to be an eventful game with Milan Michalek notching a hattie and a flurry of fist-chucking that went on throughout the night.  Michalek’s three goals were a landmark achievement when you consider that he nearly had his leg amputated back in the Czech Republic (according to Spongebob MacKenzie, wtf?).

Watching Matt Carkner pound the piss out of Steve Downie was a treat, too.  My only question with the Sens right now is where the fuck is Jonathan Cheechoo, is he even on this team?  Moose Factory, how about moose cock, that’s what he’s sucking right now.

Knuckle Up:

Brian hoped that a solid performance from his pet “Monster” would be enough for his Maple Leafs to earn their first victory of the season.  Jonas Gustavsson looked pretty good, save for committing himself way too early on a penalty shot by Daniel Alfredsson, but he wasn’t as sharp as “The Battle of Ontario’s” best new goalie Pascal Leclaire.

Brian is feeling ça va mal today.  The Ottawa Senators wouldn’t fight, his boys gave the puck away all night, and the Leafs still stand winless after three games.

Toronto has a few days off before the Pittsburgh Penguins pay a visit on Saturday night.

Shit hit the proverbial fan yesterday afternoon once word got out from the OC Register of a nixed three-team deal involving the San Jose Sharks and Ottawa Senators.  Can we really blame Patrick Marleau if he actually refused a deal to Ottawa?  Their best player, noted asshole Dany Heatley, wants out while the clusterfucking work of GM Bryan Murray remains immune to talk of dismissal.  I’d be happy to stay in San Jose with or without a “C” on my sweater.

Mainstream media has jumped on the Sharks’ captaincy story nearly a week too late, never mind that TSN has a team in Toronto that is refusing to name a captain for the second straight season.  Making matters worse; second-rate video game developer 2K Sports has released screen shots of their upcoming NHL 2K10 game which feature Marleau as the captain of the Sharks.