The 1987-88 Detroit Red Wings Award (formerly Hookers and Blow award, formerly Probert and Kocur award):

Given to the player to register the most fighting majors for the season.  Other criteria for consideration include blood drawn, blood spilled, heads cracked, hands broken, and estimated number of opponents who may have shat their pants.

2010 Recipient:  Zenon Konopka.

The Peter Sidorkiewicz Trophy:

Awarded annually to the most mediocre goaltender forced into regular duty, although he has no business playing every day.

2010 Recipient:  Jeff Deslauriers

The Darcy Tucker Award:

Given to a player that registers a career-high in goals during a contract year in an effort to secure a big payday.

2010 Recipient:  Patrick Marleau

The Steve Downie Trophy:

Awarded annually to the player judged to be the biggest piece of shit by both players and fans.

2010 Recipient:  Steve Downie

The Harold Ballard Award:

Given to the executive that caused the most irreparable damage to his team by shortsighted transactions.

2010 Recipient:  Brian Burke

The Tom McVie Award:

Awarded annually to the coach that displays the most dysfunctional on-ice product.

2010 Recipient:  Rick Tocchet (ed. note; Rick is no longer a coach.)

The Todd Bertuzzi Trophy:

The Todd Bertuzzi trophy is given to a player that works the hardest to reinforce every ‘violence in hockey’ stereotype known.  Usually awarded to the player with the most attempt to injures, attempted murders, and sucker punches.  Previous winners include Scott Walker, Todd Bertuzzi, and Marty McSorely.

2010 Recipient:  Matt Cooke

The Chris Chelios Award:

Pretty self explanatory, but given to the NHL’s oldest player.  Should be no surprise here once again.

2010 Recipient:  Chris Chelios

The Mike Ricci Trophy:

Given to a player with the best mop on his head.

2010 Recipient:  Scott Hartnell

If anyone had told me that Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers was going to play 45+ games this season I’d have guessed that Nikolai Khabibulin would be injured and/or drunk.  It wouldn’t really matter who was between the pipes this season, the Oilers would still be embarrassingly awful.  I mean, Shawn Horcoff has got be the saddest excuse for a first-line centre, am I wrong here?  Anyway, the Red Wings blew a four goal lead last night to Edmonton, but still managed to win of course despite the efforts of Deslauriers.  The Drouin Wall made 39 saves including a few that he had no business making.

[s/t to The Big Lead for the clip]

Canadian Thanksgiving should start featuring hockey games all day, are you with me?  It’s Friday, that means you don’t need to brush your teeth again til Monday!  Time to relax with some hockey related (some not) news, notes, and video:

-No idea who these two guys are or where they’re playing, but this is a TILT:

-I seem to recall a bold prediction that Niklas Hagman would score 30 goals, he just might.

-Thankfully someone took the time to put this on YouTube:

-The guys at Stay Classy with their thoughts on last night’s Ottawa/Columbus game.  They like what they see from goaltender Brian Elliott.

-Get the aggression out before the weekend, and “Sick a Swede on a brace face”:

It was supposed to be a special night for Ken Hitchcock.  Instead, his Columbus Blue Jackets ended up on the arse end of a 9-1 washing at home by the Detroit Red Wings.  Ken’s 1000th game as an NHL head coach was over before his team ever had a chance.

In the continuous quest for good hockey, I often find myself watching Central Division games.  Call me a Norris Division holdover, but it’s gotten even better since the Leafs were exiled and replaced by a couple of pretend teams in Columbus and Nashville.  it helps that I’ve got a man-sized throbbing one for Rick Nash.  I’m standing behind my prediction that Columbus will win the Central, for now.

Detroit Red Wings’ hockey is unbearably boring,  even with all of that skill and scoring.  Nobody has scored more goals on your way back from the bathroom in the last three seasons than the Detroit Red Wings.  It took just a minute for them to get on the board tonight when Daniel Cleary potted one in the first period.  Justin Abdelkader scored a couple, but I must have been grabbing a beer or possibly taking a shit.  Land-fuck I can’t stand watching these guys play, but they’re incomparably good.

Even Todd Bertuzzi got in on the scoring tonight, along with six other Red Wings.  One of the many things they did noticeably better tonight was move the puck through the neutral zone and carry it into the Columbus zone.  It looked like the Blue Jackets’ defense was letting them walk in and take shots.  Another precursor to their sounding victory was the removal of Chris Osgood from his goal-hole for Jimmy Howard.  Howard made 25 saves, but wasn’t overly tested.  He’ll do until Ken Holland makes a move for Martin Biron, Dwayne Roloson, or some other Essensa-esque stand-in.

They didn’t look old and they didn’t look tired.  They looked like the Detroit Red Wings and they’ve got some winning to catch up on.  Your team’s next.

So this is your number one goalie mask in today’s NHL? What a joke.

There’s not one iota of creativity anywhere near this piece of shit.  It doesn’t even match the Canucks’ fucking colours.

Jason LaBarbera cleary has the best the mask in the NHL.  I’m sure most voters excluded him based on the fact that he sucks bag as far as goaltending ability goes.  But c’mon, Roberto Luongo’s off-white, eggshell, whatever-the-fuck-you-wanna-call-it mullet cover is about as exciting as a puck in the nuts.

To hell with this, I’m getting drunk.

Fuck swine flu, fuck murder, fuck everything.

This.  Is.  Your.  Top.  Story.

The NHL’s only winless team finally scored a victory.  This city has an abundance of unsolved crime, and this is your top story.

Plan the fucking parade, Brian Burke always believed in this group.